Ten feet away my sister chatters away its Christmas eve and I am seven years old we lie in the dark waiting for sleep and finally the glorious day I can’t hear a word she is saying I’m lost in anticipation of green and beige soldiers and a machine gun that shoots plastic bullets my stomach is tied in a knot and the night is endless

These days I sit in my easy chair beneath my blanket and sip my holiday cocktail full of sadness and I remember those who are gone and the things I did and the things I should have done and with a with a knot in my stomach and a tear in my eye I light a cigarette the night is endless